tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61129299987511119132024-03-09T07:37:29.086+08:00Call me picky...A collection of observations and rantings about motherhood, people and the mundane.Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-71380960921904324322014-02-13T22:56:00.001+08:002014-02-13T23:02:53.574+08:00Skin deep<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s been said that the skin of a baby mouse is so thin that
one can see the milk flowing into it while it’s suckling. Think how handy it
would be if humans had transparent skin:
<br />
<ul>
<li>Hmmmm, well I can see it was a bit more than two beers
after work, honey”</li>
<li>“Ouch, looks like appendicitis!”</li>
<li>“Well, you just march back in there and tell your boss that
we all <i>know</i> he’s full of shit!”</li>
</ul>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i>What super power do you wish you had?</i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-74747497129733967242013-04-18T22:42:00.002+08:002013-04-18T22:42:27.074+08:00Beep, bleepThere's nothing like the bleeding eardrums that develop after an hour in traffic with 2 kids fighting over 1 Slinky and the complaining, over the increasingly deafening drive-time radio, about how scratchy the seat is. All parents enduring this should be forgiven for leaning out the door, grabbing the scruffy window washer at the lights by the shirt front and screaming “Stuff the wash and wipe buddy, I’ll give you fifty bucks for what’s left of your home brew!”.
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<b><i>What drives <u>you</u> to drink?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-8767071255953946642013-04-14T10:51:00.000+08:002013-04-14T10:51:00.245+08:00Family JewelsSuggesting to your man that enough is enough and he should now get a vasectomy, is never going to be well received. He’ll wince, screw up his nose and as he squirms in his seat he’ll feel for, and cup, his crutch like he’s holding a baby chicken
in a petting zoo. He’ll whine about all his mates who’s loving wives would never suggest clipping their man-wings, or graphically recount some horror story he read about in Men’s Health. If he does consent, because you’re so controlling, be prepared for up to 2 weeks of finding bags of frozen peas down the back of your sofa, daily updates on the size and tenderness of his beloved coconuts and constant reminding about how much it hurts. What... like childbirth?
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<b><i>How does this conversation end at your place?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-7581319491379791132013-03-27T12:13:00.002+08:002013-04-13T20:06:42.874+08:00Abracadabra!A mother’s handbag is like a magician's top hat. With a wave of her magic hands she can reach in and pull out any number of useful and necessary items like tissues, Bandaids, hairclips, Lego, bug repellent, loose change, clean socks, boxed sultanas, drink bottles, a sunglass case filled with coloured pegs, spare undies, sunscreen, coloured pencils, AA batteries, a pop-up book, moist wipes, plastic cutlery or a voucher for 'a free eye brow wax with your next Brazilian' from Hair-we-go Wax Emporium. But, there comes a day in every well prepared mothers life when what she needs just isn’t there and, after groping fruitlessly in the cavernous depths of her magic bag, she is forced to dry down her dripping wet and shivering child with a spare sanitary napkin.<br />
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<i><b>When last did your magic bag let you down?</b></i>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-80457866490416994762013-03-18T16:10:00.000+08:002013-04-07T19:38:41.151+08:00Vampire-a-go-goAnyone who’s paying to have their own blood drawn from their arm and squirted back into their face with needles, in a desperate attempt to look and feel youthful, should reassess their skin care regime. What happened to the age old three-step cleansing routine, 6-8 glasses of water a day and an occasional dab of Retin A? Should one be fearful of a black market emerging, where we actually pay the criminals to stick us with their blood filled syringes, instead of running from them? If the vampire facial takes off then a ferret milk smoothie with a side of dingle berries has got to be the next big thing!
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<b><i>What's the strangest thing you've done in the name of beauty?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-81585480445935049212013-03-08T13:56:00.001+08:002014-02-13T23:04:30.438+08:00Feeling hot!Humans are passionate and emotional. It’s what sets us apart from the animals. However, that hot ball of energy and desire raging in our bellies manifests itself in different ways as a woman ages:<br />
<ul>
<li>In toddlerhood, tantrums at the check-out are sure to whip you into a hot mess.</li>
<li>In your teens, its finding your brother using your bra for target practice with the cute guy from next door.</li>
<li>In your 20’s and 30’s, it’s thoughts of last night and sexting your lover between meetings.</li>
<li>In your 40’s, it’s a night out with the girls and then coming home to find your hubby has cleaned the kitchen and emptied the bins.</li>
<li>In your 50’s and 60’s, it’s hot flashes... and oh so many more hot flashes.</li>
<li>In your 80’s, it’s Roast-Dinner-Wednesday from Meals On Wheels and the promise of back to back re-runs of 'Deal or no Deal'... if you make it through the night!</li>
</ul>
<div>
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<i><b>How do you keep <u>your</u> fire alight?</b></i></div>
Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-34696813726161731812013-02-28T19:42:00.001+08:002013-04-07T19:40:31.574+08:00What a drag...Gravity is a stalker. It knows your every step, it brushes up against you on the bus, it’s always in the background watching you from afar. It lulls you into a false sense of security by allowing you to believe that it’s harmless, even helpful. It effects you bit by bit, ever so slowly gripping and pulling and tugging at your knees, your boobs and your cheekbones until you find yourself readjusting yourself through squinted eyes in the bathroom mirror, trying to recreate what it all used to look like. By the time you notice the ads for botox it’s all too late. Take heed fair maidens… if you just found your first coarse hair growing out of your neck, it’s the least of your worries!
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<b><i>What do you see when you look in the mirror?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-40676307594178946112013-02-13T12:16:00.001+08:002013-04-07T19:40:51.384+08:00Terror…Not!If the world’s terrorists got together in one room for some sloppy Mexican food, a few beers and were encouraged to fart at will, they could then vent their anger on the XBOX and call it a night safe in the knowledge that, although they only unleashed mass destruction in cyber space, they indeed had dabbled in biological warfare!
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<b><i>What other games could we play to try to ease global conflict?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-44107588681263720902013-02-08T19:20:00.000+08:002013-02-12T12:42:05.037+08:00aaaand...squeeze!Keeping the kids in line should be seen as an opportunity to tone up and lose weight...<br />
<ul>
<li>Lunging at a tear-away in the supermarket will work your butt, thighs and at least one bicep (depending what you're juggling in the other hand) </li>
<li>Yelling up the stairs and then marching right on up there will work your butt, thighs and abs (especially if you double step a few of the stairs on your way up) </li>
<li>Firmly pointing in the direction of the naughty corner will work your upper arms and shoulders (be sure to tap your foot to get your calf working and remember to alternate sides throughout the day) </li>
</ul>
If all else fails, banging your head against a wall can lose you 150 calories an hour!Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-68517520877833915092013-02-05T22:50:00.002+08:002013-04-07T19:41:48.738+08:00Small things...If ants live in well organised and cooperative communities, why don't the millions crawling around the kitchen get together and do something useful like wash the dishes and start the dinner? There is no room left in the house for non-contributing, small bodied, eating machines who leave their crumbs everywhere.
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<b><i>What creatures are driving you mad at your place?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-86970748190067922982011-11-28T11:14:00.001+08:002013-04-07T19:42:33.050+08:00Number crunching...Row, row, row your boat<br />
Kids are pure and clean<br />
Mess them up at party time on red and blue and green.<br />
<br />
Can't be bothered making fresh<br />
Serve them up some junk<br />
Polony, sauce and chips all round<br />
Hot dogs by the chunk.<br />
<br />
Row, row, row your boat<br />
Lollies, coke, fake cream<br />
If you see a puking child<br />
Don't forget to scream!<br />
<br />
<b><i>What kids party food gives you the heebie jeebies?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-75000598057774593452011-11-12T07:44:00.001+08:002013-04-07T19:43:03.660+08:00Have your cake...24 hole mini-muffin tins were designed by a man whose mother cheerfully still bakes for him, never eluding to the fact that while trying to get the bloody thing clean she fantasises about sticking a fork in her eye. Mothers should refuse their sons delicious baked goods from an early age in the hope that one of them will grow up to create an edible 24 hole muffin tin. Nothing fancy, just something that is light and crisp in the mouth, where the palate eludes to a sharp vintage cheddar with undertones of a bold merlot and a hint of rich dark chocolate in the finish. “Time for bed kids…Mummy has some dishes to do!”.<br />
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<i><b>What baking utensil drives you mad?</b></i>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-86562901584642525712011-10-30T13:41:00.001+08:002013-04-07T19:43:59.009+08:00I surrender!Immaculate home, clean dishes, spontaneous social life, career… having a baby feels like a natural progression for Mrs Type-A. But 18 months on, after you’ve released your screaming child’s head and arm from your springform cake tin, stand back, survey the trail of destruction and all your incomplete chores, and commit a mental note to self reminding you to check the returns policy!!<br />
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<b><i>What part of child rearing has made you question your decision to have kids?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-12210515753245785502011-10-11T14:00:00.001+08:002013-04-07T19:44:18.685+08:00Sweet CarolineThere must be laws against neighbours who sing Karaoke long into the night with the support of a sound system that would make the Royal Albert Hall sigh with yearning. All those who indulge in illicit substances, in an effort to once again enjoy a G&T and a balmy evening, while enduring Neil Diamond hammered out in broken English should be void from prosecution!<br />
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<b><i>Do your neighbours drive you crazy?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-84838222417273917502011-10-05T15:09:00.006+08:002013-04-07T19:44:55.197+08:00Animal crossing...Getting dressed to leave the house should be as easy as crossing the road. Yet, there are many women who are stopping traffic city wide as they excitedly cram their winter bodies into last years spring wardrobe. Some forgivable minor infringements include visible panty lines, hairy arm pits and lilly white skin. But, there is a crime not so forgivable and it’s an instant hint that your bum and hips have swollen over winter… Camel-toe. There's no excuse for being an unknowing perpetrator and, believe it or not, there is a simple tool you can use to save the rest of us from this kind of visual assault …a mirror!<br />
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<i><b>What fashion crime have you witnessed this season?</b></i>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-63313035129008583442011-09-15T08:28:00.003+08:002013-04-07T19:45:49.869+08:00Octo-mumOctopus mothers are the ultimate sacrificers. They nurture and protect their developing eggs for 6 months without eating or leaving them for a moment. By the time they are ready to hatch she’s anaemic, starving and exhausted. After watching her last tiny baby drift off into the great beyond, there’s just enough energy left to crawl out from under her rock and die! Spare a thought for octo-mum next time you yell “you kids are sucking the life out of me!!”.
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<b><i>When do you feel like the kids have taken everything you've got to give?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-73201047115227047422011-09-08T14:17:00.002+08:002013-04-09T10:53:11.752+08:00LOL :)Learning to communicate with a toddler is difficult. Imagine when she’s got an iPhone:
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<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Hi darling. Just wondering if you want to go shopping on Saturday for a dress to wear to Zach’s birthday. I see Esprit is having a sale.<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">XLNT!!! GR8T!!! LEMENO WOT TIME. TLK2UL8R. BHL8. DNR@KFC.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></span></span><b><i>
Have you had a indecipherable conversation with a teenager lately?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-56243504816416611202011-08-19T17:27:00.001+08:002013-04-07T19:49:20.619+08:00What’s next?Toddlers always manage to surprise us when we least expect it: Suddenly taking their first steps... Amazing! Finally getting a poo in the potty... Fantastic! A pink milkshake vomit in the ball pit at IKEA... Surprise!!<br />
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<b><i>How has your toddler suprised you?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-84690029505753290182011-08-14T21:46:00.001+08:002013-04-07T19:50:02.161+08:00Now what?One should be armed and ready with a simple get-out-answer for any of life’s tricky questions in order to avoid a disaster. Otherwise, for example, when your four year old asks how his sister got in your tummy in the first place, your head will say “OK, keep calm”, and then you might start with “When a mummy and daddy love each other very much…”, gingerly following that up with “they decide they want a baby..” Then, as his eyes widen with anticipation, your head will say “I’ve got nothing! Quick, create a diversion!”, and you might panic, drop a match and scream “Run, run the kitchen’s on fire!”<br />
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<i><b>How did your family talk about "the birds and the bees"?</b></i>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-74965705872591988022011-08-07T19:12:00.002+08:002013-04-07T19:50:29.671+08:00Fashion fixThe sun hat you choose should be proportionate to the size of your hips and bum. The bigger they are, the bigger the brim. If your chub needs some work and you pick the cute red polk-a-dot hat with the little bow and thin brim, beyond looking like a two year old, you’ll look like a barge-arse with a pin-head. For bigger blokes, however, there’s no such quick fix. If you wear an oversized floppy hat, your mates will call you Shirley and beyond that, no one wants to bed a pin-head.<br />
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<b><i>What fashion rules do you live by?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-48956967593514392502011-08-02T09:48:00.003+08:002013-04-07T19:51:14.508+08:00Oh boy!Independent toileting is a big step for your son, but with it comes a whole new intimate relationship with your bathroom floor tiles and other small unhygienic crevices. As you wonder in exasperation just how much urine it takes to permanently yellow the grout at the base of the toilet, don’t be surprised if the only solution you can see is enrolment in a ‘Hose Skills’ workshop at your local hardware store – for him <i>and</i> his father!<br />
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<i><b>What are the men in your life doing to gross you out?</b></i>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-19109624427748192492011-07-28T16:32:00.001+08:002013-04-07T19:54:38.306+08:00Sleep tight!When you’re pregnant, they’ll say that having a child is the most meaningful and joyful thing you could ever do. They’ll say it can be demanding but it’s very rewarding and a journey not to be missed. What they don’t say is that after childbirth you may never be able to sneeze with confidence again, after breastfeeding your boobs will probably be deflated and lopsided long after you wean and if you manage a full nights sleep in the first year, it may be tainted by a sexy dream with your OB!<br />
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<b><i>What keeps you awake at night?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-14907011291657260932011-07-21T08:25:00.002+08:002013-04-07T19:53:20.015+08:00Bon appetite!Buying a ready-made meal for dinner is likely to end in tears unless you follow a few simple rules:
<br />
<ol>
<li>Avoid any boxed meal where the words 'contents may vary to picture' appear in small print</li>
<li>Avoid anything with the words 'Wonder', 'Substitute', 'Delight' or 'Surprise' in the title, and</li>
<li>Avoid any meat that has been crumbed and then moulded to resemble the animal it once was!</li>
</ol>
Use this guide and you’re sure to hit the midweek-copout-dinner jackpot (but you <i>still</i> may find a rubbery strip of artery in your lasagne).<br />
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<b><i>Have you ever found a foreign object in your food?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-14157175244678252872011-07-16T09:35:00.000+08:002013-04-07T19:54:07.078+08:00Sick ‘em!Taking a toddler to the doctor is just like going to the vet. Neither the pet nor the child can verbalise its ailment, both may bear teeth or nails and both will squirm until they have to be physically restrained. If all parties make it through the initial assessment unscathed, the doctor’s diagnosis will then confirm that, although you may not be holding a wild animal, your child has obviously been infected by one… “Yep, that’s definitely Chicken-pox”, “Well, she has Swine flu”, “Too late… it’s Mad cow!”<br />
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<b><i>Have you ever had a hell GP visit with a child?</i></b>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6112929998751111913.post-79495185172353445112011-07-10T19:28:00.000+08:002013-04-07T19:54:21.795+08:00Frame it!A tattoo adorning a strong bicep can be incredibly masculine. A small Japanese character on the nape of a slender neck can be very alluring. But where are the fashion police preventing a pre-menopausal woman exposing a dragon etched above her butt-crack, framed only by stretch-mark clawed muffin-tops, a midriff singlet and the ‘T’ of an old lacey g-string? No one should have to wrestle with that image whilst in the grips of insomnia.<br />
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<i><b>What fashion crime have you witnessed recently?</b></i>Terri Ioannouhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14449777446280283423noreply@blogger.com0