Skin deep

It’s been said that the skin of a baby mouse is so thin that one can see the milk flowing into it while it’s suckling. Think how handy it would be if humans had transparent skin:

• Hmmmm, well I can see it was a bit more than two beers after work, honey”
• “Ouch, looks like appendicitis!”
• “Well, you just march back in there and tell your boss that we all know he’s full of shit!”

What super power do you wish you had?

Beep, bleep

There's nothing like the bleeding eardrums that develop after an hour in traffic with 2 kids fighting over 1 Slinky and the complaining, over the increasingly deafening drive-time radio, about how scratchy the seat is. All parents enduring this should be forgiven for leaning out the door, grabbing the scruffy window washer at the lights by the shirt front and screaming “Stuff the wash and wipe buddy, I’ll give you fifty bucks for what’s left of your home brew!”.

What drives you to drink?

Family Jewels

Suggesting to your man that enough is enough and he should now get a vasectomy, is never going to be well received. He’ll wince, screw up his nose and as he squirms in his seat he’ll feel for, and cup, his crutch like he’s holding a baby chicken in a petting zoo. He’ll whine about all his mates who’s loving wives would never suggest clipping their man-wings, or graphically recount some horror story he read about in Men’s Health. If he does consent, because you’re so controlling, be prepared for up to 2 weeks of finding bags of frozen peas down the back of your sofa, daily updates on the size and tenderness of his beloved coconuts and constant reminding about how much it hurts. What... like childbirth?

How does this conversation end at your place?

Abracadabra!

A mother’s handbag is like a magician's top hat. With a wave of her magic hands she can reach in and pull out any number of useful and necessary items like tissues, Bandaids, hairclips, Lego, bug repellent, loose change, clean socks, boxed sultanas, drink bottles, a sunglass case filled with coloured pegs, spare undies, sunscreen, coloured pencils, AA batteries, a pop-up book, moist wipes, plastic cutlery or a voucher for 'a free eye brow wax with your next Brazilian' from Hair-we-go Wax Emporium. But, there comes a day in every well prepared mothers life when what she needs just isn’t there and, after groping fruitlessly in the cavernous depths of her magic bag, she is forced to dry down her dripping wet and shivering child with a spare sanitary napkin.

When last did your magic bag let you down?

Vampire-a-go-go

Anyone who’s paying to have their own blood drawn from their arm and squirted back into their face with needles, in a desperate attempt to look and feel youthful, should reassess their skin care regime. What happened to the age old three-step cleansing routine, 6-8 glasses of water a day and an occasional dab of Retin A? Should one be fearful of a black market emerging, where we actually pay the criminals to stick us with their blood filled syringes, instead of running from them? If the vampire facial takes off then a ferret milk smoothie with a side of dingle berries has got to be the next big thing!

What's the strangest thing you've done in the name of beauty?

Feeling hot!

Humans are passionate and emotional. It’s what sets us apart from the animals. However, that hot ball of energy and desire raging in our bellies manifests itself in different ways as a woman ages:

• In toddlerhood, tantrums at the check-out are sure to whip you into a hot mess.
• In your teens, its finding your brother using your bra for target practice with the cute guy from next door.
• In your 20’s and 30’s, it’s thoughts of last night and sexting your lover between meetings.
• In your 40’s, it’s a night out with the girls and then coming home to find your hubby has cleaned the kitchen and emptied the bins.
• In your 50’s and 60’s, it’s hot flashes... and oh so many more hot flashes.
• In your 80’s, it’s Roast-Dinner-Wednesday from Meals On Wheels and the promise of back to back re-runs of 'Deal or no Deal'...              if you make it through the night!

How do you keep your fire alight?

What a drag...

Gravity is a stalker. It knows your every step, it brushes up against you on the bus, it’s always in the background watching you from afar. It lulls you into a false sense of security by allowing you to believe that it’s harmless, even helpful. It effects you bit by bit, ever so slowly gripping and pulling and tugging at your knees, your boobs and your cheekbones until you find yourself readjusting yourself through squinted eyes in the bathroom mirror, trying to recreate what it all used to look like. By the time you notice the ads for botox it’s all too late. Take heed fair maidens… if you just found your first coarse hair growing out of your neck, it’s the least of your worries!

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Terror…Not!

If the world’s terrorists got together in one room for some sloppy Mexican food, a few beers and were encouraged to fart at will, they could then vent their anger on the XBOX and call it a night safe in the knowledge that, although they only unleashed mass destruction in cyber space, they indeed had dabbled in biological warfare!

What other games could we play to try to ease global conflict?

aaaand...squeeze!

Keeping the kids in line should be seen as an opportunity to tone up and lose weight...

• Lunging at a tear-away in the supermarket will work your butt, thighs and at least one bicep (depending what you're juggling in the other hand) 
• Yelling up the stairs and then marching right on up there will work your butt, thighs and abs (especially if you double step a few of the stairs on your way up) 
• Firmly pointing in the direction of the naughty corner will work your upper arms and shoulders (be sure to tap your foot to get your calf working and remember to alternate sides throughout the day) 

If all else fails, banging your head against a wall can lose you 150 calories an hour!

Small things...

If ants live in well organised and cooperative communities, why don't the millions crawling around the kitchen get together and do something useful like wash the dishes and start the dinner? There is no room left in the house for non-contributing, small bodied, eating machines who leave their crumbs everywhere.

What creatures are driving you mad at your place?

Number crunching...

Row, row, row your boat
Kids are pure and clean
Mess them up at party time on red and blue and green.

Can't be bothered making fresh
Serve them up some junk
Polony, sauce and chips all round
Hot dogs by the chunk.

Row, row, row your boat
Lollies, coke, fake cream
If you see a puking child
Don't forget to scream!

What kids party food gives you the heebie jeebies?

Have your cake...

24 hole mini-muffin tins were designed by a man whose mother cheerfully still bakes for him, never eluding to the fact that while trying to get the bloody thing clean she fantasises about sticking a fork in her eye. Mothers should refuse their sons delicious baked goods from an early age in the hope that one of them will grow up to create an edible 24 hole muffin tin. Nothing fancy, just something that is light and crisp in the mouth, where the palate eludes to a sharp vintage cheddar with undertones of a bold merlot and a hint of rich dark chocolate in the finish. “Time for bed kids…Mummy has some dishes to do!”.

What baking utensil drives you mad?

I surrender!

Immaculate home, clean dishes, spontaneous social life, career… having a baby feels like a natural progression for Mrs Type-A. But 18 months on, after you’ve released your screaming child’s head and arm from your springform cake tin, stand back, survey the trail of destruction and all your incomplete chores, and commit a mental note to self reminding you to check the returns policy!!

What part of child rearing has made you question your decision to have kids?

Sweet Caroline

There must be laws against neighbours who sing Karaoke long into the night with the support of a sound system that would make the Royal Albert Hall sigh with yearning. All those who indulge in illicit substances, in an effort to once again enjoy a G&T and a balmy evening, while enduring Neil Diamond hammered out in broken English should be void from prosecution!

Do your neighbours drive you crazy?

Animal crossing...

Getting dressed to leave the house should be as easy as crossing the road. Yet, there are many women who are stopping traffic city wide as they excitedly cram their winter bodies into last years spring wardrobe. Some forgivable minor infringements include visible panty lines, hairy arm pits and lilly white skin. But, there is a crime not so forgivable and it’s an instant hint that your bum and hips have swollen over winter… Camel-toe. There's no excuse for being an unknowing perpetrator and, believe it or not, there is a simple tool you can use to save the rest of us from this kind of visual assault …a mirror!

What fashion crime have you witnessed this season?

Octo-mum

Octopus mothers are the ultimate sacrificers. They nurture and protect their developing eggs for 6 months without eating or leaving them for a moment. By the time they are ready to hatch she’s anaemic, starving and exhausted. After watching her last tiny baby drift off into the great beyond, there’s just enough energy left to crawl out from under her rock and die! Spare a thought for octo-mum next time you yell “you kids are sucking the life out of me!!”.

When do you feel like the kids have taken everything you've got to give?

LOL :)

Learning to communicate with a toddler is difficult. Imagine when she’s got an iPhone:

Hi darling. Just wondering if you want to go shopping on Saturday for a dress to wear to Zach’s birthday. I see Esprit is having a sale.

XLNT!!! GR8T!!! LEMENO WOT TIME. TLK2UL8R. BHL8. DNR@KFC.

Have you had a indecipherable conversation with a teenager lately?

What’s next?

Toddlers always manage to surprise us when we least expect it: Suddenly taking their first steps... Amazing! Finally getting a poo in the potty... Fantastic! A pink milkshake vomit in the ball pit at IKEA... Surprise!!

How has your toddler suprised you?

Now what?

One should be armed and ready with a simple get-out-answer for any of life’s tricky questions in order to avoid a disaster. Otherwise, for example, when your four year old asks how his sister got in your tummy in the first place, your head will say “OK, keep calm”, and then you might start with “When a mummy and daddy love each other very much…”, gingerly following that up with “they decide they want a baby..” Then, as his eyes widen with anticipation, your head will say “I’ve got nothing! Quick, create a diversion!”, and you might panic, drop a match and scream “Run, run the kitchen’s on fire!”

How did your family talk about "the birds and the bees"?

Fashion fix

The sun hat you choose should be proportionate to the size of your hips and bum. The bigger they are, the bigger the brim. If your chub needs some work and you pick the cute red polk-a-dot hat with the little bow and thin brim, beyond looking like a two year old, you’ll look like a barge-arse with a pin-head. For bigger blokes, however, there’s no such quick fix. If you wear an oversized floppy hat, your mates will call you Shirley and beyond that, no one wants to bed a pin-head.

What fashion rules do you live by?