aaaand...squeeze!

Keeping the kids in line should be seen as an opportunity to tone up and lose weight...

• Lunging at a tear-away in the supermarket will work your butt, thighs and at least one bicep (depending what you're juggling in the other hand) 
• Yelling up the stairs and then marching right on up there will work your butt, thighs and abs (especially if you double step a few of the stairs on your way up) 
• Firmly pointing in the direction of the naughty corner will work your upper arms and shoulders (be sure to tap your foot to get your calf working and remember to alternate sides throughout the day) 

If all else fails, banging your head against a wall can lose you 150 calories an hour!

Small things...

If ants live in well organised and cooperative communities, why don't the millions crawling around the kitchen get together and do something useful like wash the dishes and start the dinner? There is no room left in the house for non-contributing, small bodied, eating machines who leave their crumbs everywhere.

What creatures are driving you mad at your place?

Number crunching...

Row, row, row your boat
Kids are pure and clean
Mess them up at party time on red and blue and green.

Can't be bothered making fresh
Serve them up some junk
Polony, sauce and chips all round
Hot dogs by the chunk.

Row, row, row your boat
Lollies, coke, fake cream
If you see a puking child
Don't forget to scream!

What kids party food gives you the heebie jeebies?

Have your cake...

24 hole mini-muffin tins were designed by a man whose mother cheerfully still bakes for him, never eluding to the fact that while trying to get the bloody thing clean she fantasises about sticking a fork in her eye. Mothers should refuse their sons delicious baked goods from an early age in the hope that one of them will grow up to create an edible 24 hole muffin tin. Nothing fancy, just something that is light and crisp in the mouth, where the palate eludes to a sharp vintage cheddar with undertones of a bold merlot and a hint of rich dark chocolate in the finish. “Time for bed kids…Mummy has some dishes to do!”.

What baking utensil drives you mad?

I surrender!

Immaculate home, clean dishes, spontaneous social life, career… having a baby feels like a natural progression for Mrs Type-A. But 18 months on, after you’ve released your screaming child’s head and arm from your springform cake tin, stand back, survey the trail of destruction and all your incomplete chores, and commit a mental note to self reminding you to check the returns policy!!

What part of child rearing has made you question your decision to have kids?

Sweet Caroline

There must be laws against neighbours who sing Karaoke long into the night with the support of a sound system that would make the Royal Albert Hall sigh with yearning. All those who indulge in illicit substances, in an effort to once again enjoy a G&T and a balmy evening, while enduring Neil Diamond hammered out in broken English should be void from prosecution!

Do your neighbours drive you crazy?

Animal crossing...

Getting dressed to leave the house should be as easy as crossing the road. Yet, there are many women who are stopping traffic city wide as they excitedly cram their winter bodies into last years spring wardrobe. Some forgivable minor infringements include visible panty lines, hairy arm pits and lilly white skin. But, there is a crime not so forgivable and it’s an instant hint that your bum and hips have swollen over winter… Camel-toe. There's no excuse for being an unknowing perpetrator and, believe it or not, there is a simple tool you can use to save the rest of us from this kind of visual assault …a mirror!

What fashion crime have you witnessed this season?

Octo-mum

Octopus mothers are the ultimate sacrificers. They nurture and protect their developing eggs for 6 months without eating or leaving them for a moment. By the time they are ready to hatch she’s anaemic, starving and exhausted. After watching her last tiny baby drift off into the great beyond, there’s just enough energy left to crawl out from under her rock and die! Spare a thought for octo-mum next time you yell “you kids are sucking the life out of me!!”.

When do you feel like the kids have taken everything you've got to give?